Philosophy of Life
and now the jokes…
Philosophy of a would be President
I’m a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight Mr McCain…..
* If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you’re “exotic, different.”
* Grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, you’re a quintessential American story.
* If your name is Barack you’re a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.
* But name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you’re a maverick.
* Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.
* Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you’re well grounded.
* If you spend 3 years as a community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate’s Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran’s Affairs committees, you don’t have any real leadership experience.
* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you’re qualified to become the country’s second highest ranking executive.
* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 daughters, all within Protestant churches, you’re not a real Christian.
* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress and then left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you’re a Christian.
* If you teach children about sexual predators, you are irresponsible and eroding the fiber of society.
* If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state’s school system, while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you’re very responsible.
* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family’s values don’t represent America’s.
* If you’re husband is nicknamed “First Dude”, with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn’t register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group until 2002 that hates America and advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.
OK, that’s much clearer now thanks John.
An Obituary printed in the London Times…….. Interesting and sadly rather true.
’Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn’t always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust his wife, Discretion his daughter, Responsibility and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I’m A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Alabama hits obese workers with fee
OK it’s not a joke….it’s the truth.
HOORAY for Alabama.
Now bring me a Yorky bar, buttered !
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered. The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded. The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order. The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.But the fifth surgeon, from Washington-DC, shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong; politicians are the easiest to operate in. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
What ever happened to common sense ?
Scenario: Jack goes pheasant hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack. 2007 - School goes into lock-down, the police and FBI are called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist-fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2007 - Police are called, they arrive and arrest Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given a paddling. He returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2007 - Principal calls parents and reccomends they have Jeffrey tested for ADD. Doctor gives Jeffrey huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007 - Neighbor sees Billy’s dad disciplining him and calls the Police. Billy’s Dad is arrested for child abuse and sent to prison. Billy is removed to foster care grows up without any sense of family and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself she also ends up in foster care.Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock. 2007 - Teacher sees pills in Mark’s hand, removes him from class and sends him to the principal’s office. Police are called, Mark’s locker and car are searched with drug sniffing dogs.Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. He still has a headache.Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college and makes a life for himself. 2007 - Pedro’s cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against the state school system. Case goes to the supreme court and English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover July 4th firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1957 - Ants die. 2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1957 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing. 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in a federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO COMMON SENSE?
Bill Goes Jogging
Bill Clinton took a jog near his new home in Chappaqua. And on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. Apprehensive, he would brace himself as he approached her for what was (most certainly) about to follow. “Fifty dollars!”, she would shout from the curb.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Bill became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation.
Sure enough, there she was — standing where she always did. Bill tried to evade the streetwalker’s eyes as she looked up at the jogging executives.
Then from the sidewalk, she yelled to Bill . . . “See what you get for five bucks?”
Bran Identity
A new and disgusting cereal ad that simulates human excretion.
The spot : A construction worker in a hard hat and orange vest stomps through a busy site with a box of All-Bran cereal, enumerating his problems “staying regular.” As he extols the benefits of the All-Bran 10-day challenge (that’s eating the cereal “once a day, for 10 days”), a variety of visual metaphors play out behind him: A steel I-beam is pulled out from a gap in a wall; some strategically placed barrels roll off a flatbed parked directly behind our narrator’s derrière; a dump truck pulls up and unloads a ton of bricks. The spot ends with an image of brown bran shards, as an announcer says: “The All-Bran Challenge. Do it. Feel it.” (Click here to see the ad.)
From the Reagan Memoirs
“A moment I’ve been dreading. George brought his ne’re-do-well son around
this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who
lives in Florida. The one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless.
This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe
I’ll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they’ll hire him as a
contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work.”
– Ronald Reagan, from his published diaries, May 17, 1986.
Presidential Library destroyed by flood !
Crawford, Texas - A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept.
Sadly, both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, since he was almost finished coloring the second one.
The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.
Bush and the Bible: A Letter to George Bush
Dear President Bush,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said “in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman.” I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination… End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
7. Lev.21:20 states that I may ! not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle- room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
A little too late to help us now….
these still reflect my feelings….
The Sermon
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington, D.C. as part of his campaign. Bush’s campaign manager made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, “We’ve been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush’s position on stem cell research and the like. We’d gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you’d say the President is a saint.”
The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, “The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it.”
Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug today and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily:
“George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating ‘Mission Accomplished.’ He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Methodist I’ve ever personally known. But compared to Dick Cheney and the rest of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint.”
The Presidents´ Daily Briefing
Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing.
He concluded by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”
“OH NO!” Bush exclaimed. “That’s terrible!”
His staff were stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.
Finally, Bush looked up and asked, “Just how many is a brazillion?”
To George, from Osama
After numerous hostile notes from George Dubya, Osama himself decided to send George Bush an letter.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
Bush was baffled, so he copied it and e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain’s MI-6 for help.
Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: “Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down.”
Sincere Idiot, Persistent Ass, Incompetent President
“Please tell me what one word best describes your impression of George W. Bush. Tell me just the ONE best word that describes him.”
That question - asked periodically by the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press [pdf] - is always a polling goldmine. The newest results, just out, do not disappoint.
Incompetent comes in first, just as it topped the list in March 2006. But a year ago, Good held the number two spot; this time, it’s Arrogant.
In February and May 2004, and February 2005, the top two were positive: Honest and Fair, or Honest and Good. But by July 2005, Incompetent had dislodged Good, and today, you have to go down to third and fourth place to find an upbeat adjective.
In previous polls, Christian always made the list, but this time, not one of the 740 respondents offered the word.
Idiot has gone up steadily through the years, while Ass has held its own.
Stubborn and Steadfast are neck and neck.
Dumb was not offered this year, but if you add the Ignorants and the Idiots to the Stupids and the Confuseds, you’re approaching ten times the Greats.
Unaccountably, Sucks, which made a strong showing two years ago, has fallen off the list.
Brave, Tough, Honorable, Consistent and Confident have vanished, but Trying is a new starter.
As many people answered Dishonest as said President, but that doesn’t count the people saying Liar.
I wonder whether Pew has considered going into the refrigerator magnet poetry business.
Terrorists
At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, US Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,” Ashcroft said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘there are 3 sides to every triangle’.”
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes”.
Posh Spice cant quite get it going…
Posh Spice is having a tough time getting to be famously important in the USA and apparently her movie career is just not happening.
“Meanwhile New York trend magazine, Radar, voted Mr David and Mrs “Posh Spice” Beckham number 1 in the Overrated Top 100 last week.
The survey concluded: ” He’s an overpaid soccer star; she’s a pointless collection of body parts. “
More at http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/showbiz
Cheney Plays Folsom Prison
And now, after his shooting accident, we have this brilliant contribution from the south…
http://cheneyplaysfolsom.cf.huffingtonpost.com
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930’s 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s !
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get
tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar
in it, but we weren’t overweight because … WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE
PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day, and we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have PlayStations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no
99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell
phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us
forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and
tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out
very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just yelled for them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t
had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of -
they actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation
and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own
good.
And, while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how
brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?!
If CARS were like Microsoft products
When thinking about whether to buy a new Windows-based PC, or a Mac, the next time you’re replacing your old clunked out PC, think about this as a way of analysing what Windows users put up with from Bill Gates and the PC makers…
If the CAR industry had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics :
1. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
2. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
3. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.
6. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.
7. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
8. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because almost none of the controls would
operate the same way as in the old car.
9. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.
Makes you wonder why Bill Gates is so successful and why we put up with what we do. Huh ?
Sent by a mac convert…as of a year ago.
English will be the official European language
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
Pharmacology
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Worried About My Reputation
Dear Abby:
I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Jersey City.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time “working girl” in a brothel.
My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my uncle who voted for Bush?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
For the ladies (2)
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted
to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, ” University of Oklahoma “
And they say blondes are dumb…
———————————————————–
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
“I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
The woman replies, “I’ll miss you…”
———————————————————–
“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower, “honey, what do you think the neighbors would
think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.
———————————————————–
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
———————————————————–
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN
———————————————————–
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”
Inner Peace
Buddha says “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started”.
So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn’t
finished … and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine,
a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac,
some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how bloody good I feel! Pass this on to those you feel are
in need of inner peace.
When you’re feeling dumb
(Alabama’s Heather Whitestone, 1994’s Miss Alabama was selected as Miss America 1995.)
When asked : If you could live forever, would you and why?
Her answer was : “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.”
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” — Mariah Carey
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
” I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
– Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
– Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.”
– A congressional candidate in Texas
“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
– Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
– Al Gore, Vice President
“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
– Lee Iacocca
“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
– Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst
“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
– Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
– Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”
– Keppel Enderbery
“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
– Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Feeling smarter yet ?
For the ladies (1)
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don’t have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don’t stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You’re laughing, aren’t you?!?!) I still am !!!
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don’t know…..it never happened)
( C’mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)
LIFE DECISIONS
Life decisions that people have to make are never simple.
The importance of the decision should always be examined over the long run.
Memories made and cherished are sure to be tempered along the way.
Consider the following two choices…
Should I get a dog…
…or have children ?
10 inches
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
“Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said,
“You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!.
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part Increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is
the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued,
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind,
Two, you didn’t read your homework, and
Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
Safe driving
Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a tank
and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and
you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed
as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the children’s Merry Go Round, you’re pissed!
Disorder in the Court…
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt’in me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was gett’in laid!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt’in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him !
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
From the Butter Marketing Board
Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys.
When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings.
DO YOU KNOW.. The difference between margarine and butter ?
Both have the same amount of calories.
Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.
Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few - only because they are added!
Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around less than 100 years.
And now, for Margarine..
Very high in Trans fatty acids.
Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)
Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.
Lowers quality of breast milk.
Decreases immune response.
Decreases insulin response.
And … Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC..
This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).
You can try this yourself:
Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area.
Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:
* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)
* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value; nothing will grow on it Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home! To grow
Why? Because it is nearly plastic.
Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?
….As spoken by the salesman for the Butter Marketing Board
I know a few people who are one step away from being plastic…does that mean I should avoid them too ?
Likeminded likenesses
Kenny and the Donkey
A young Hillbilly called Kenny moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The following day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.”
Kenny replied, “Well then, just give me back my money”.
The farmer said, “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. I spent it”.
Kenny said, “OK. Just bring me the dead donkey.”
The farmer asked, “What are you going to do with him?”
Kenny answered, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
Kenny responded “Sure I can. I just won’t tell anybo dy he’s dead.”
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?”
Kenny answered, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00.”
The farmer asked, “Did anyone complain?”
Kenny said, “Just the guy who won, so I gave him back his two dollars.”
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron and died today aged 64 with billions of dollars uncounted for of innocent investors money.
A mixed bag
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: “It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four”
Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. “Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.”
“You cannot pull that one on me,” replies Paddy, “Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
The Englishmen replies angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”
Sorry,” responds Paddy, “Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.”
******************************************
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked.
Why, that’s my Speaking Clock” the man replied. How does it work?”
I’ll show you”, the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, “For *****sake you *****, it’s twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!”
*************************************
A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancée and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry”.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”
That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right, how did you know?”
I don’t like her.”
***********************************************************
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You b*stard !“
The judge continued, “You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.”
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You ****ing b*stard !!!”
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, “Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem ?”
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, “For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn’t have one!”
******************************************
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him,
“Why do you keep looking in your pocket?”
The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I’ll go home.”
NAMING THE FATHER FOR CHILD SUPPORT IN AUSTRALIA
The following are all replies that Sydney Western Suburbs women
have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing
father’s details:
These are genuine excerpts from the forms :
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Trev Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the
father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind.
I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the
party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She
was conceived at a party where I had unprotected sex with a man I
met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If
you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone
number? Thanks.
4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He
drives an Excel that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door
panels. Perhaps you can contact Excel dealers in this area and see if
he’s had it replaced.
5. I cannot tell you the name of child A’s dad as he informs me
that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the NSW economy. I am torn between doing right by you and
right by the country. Please advise.
6. I do not know who the father of my child was as all soldiers
look the same to me. I can confirm that he was an infantryman.
7. Bazza Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with
him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Disneyworld
9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Jamie Oliver did a program about eggs earlier in the
evening. If I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than
going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.
10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby,
after all when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you
fart.
Setting the Standards
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following statistics?
- 29 have been accused of spouse abuse
- 7 have been arrested for fraud
- 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
- 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
- 3 have done time for assault
- 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
- 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
- 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
- 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
- 84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year
Which organisation is this?
It’s the 635 members of the British House of Commons, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of the British in line.
Cruising
About 2 years ago I was on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner.
At dinner I noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main Dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, and he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.
As I left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises”. She replied, “Yes, that’s true.” I stated, “I don’t understand” and she replied, without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home”.
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day.
That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don’t even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don’t look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship or contact us at our email address.
ps: And don’t forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side, throw some leftover dining table flowers on your body and toot the ship’s foghorn, all at no additional charge. How about that ????? !
Colored people !
A Samoan man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he
was the only Samoan man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white
man behind him.
The white man said, “Colored people are not allowed here.”
The Samoan man turned around and stood up. He then said:
“Listen ….when I was born, I was BROWN.
When I grew up, I was BROWN.
“When I’m sick I’m BROWN.
When I go in the sun, I’m BROWN.
When I’m cold, I’m BROWN.
When I die, I’ll be BROWN.
But you …
you’re PINK when you’re born,
you’re WHITE when you grow up.
you’re GREEN when you’re sick.
you turn RED when you go in the sun
you turn BLUE, when you’re cold.
And when you die, you turn PURPLE.
And you have the NERVE to call me colored ?
The fancy dress party
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress
party. He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg,
so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he
received another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk’s habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part.
The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from
emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the
accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg
up your arse and go as a f**king toffee apple.
The smelly separation
The jilted, soon to be ex-wife spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days, then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere !
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and, eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old house terribly and she would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no ideal how bad the house smell was, he agreed, on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the paper that very day.
She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company take everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.
I just love a happy ending, don’t you?????
A Collection…
Why the hell didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself ?
Sincerely,
No,” she replied, “I’m sorry it isn’t.”
“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,” she answered.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, “Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.”
“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”
“That’s more like it!” the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I’d like her,” he said.
“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 72-year
old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has 53 years seniority and she’s next.”
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”
“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us free box of candles.
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way : “What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs ?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform ?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”
We MUST obey God’s Law
On her radio show recently, Dr. Laura said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:
************
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. … End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Law and how to follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord -Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
Jim
DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE
–Author Unknown
–Author Unknown
–Jeff Foxworthy
–Bob Ettinger
–Conan O’Brien
–Richard Jeni
–Johnny Carson
–Paul Rodriguez
–Jerry Seinfeld
–Oscar Wilde
–Mark Twain
–A. Whitney Brown
–Dave Barry
–Unknown, presumed deceased
For the ladies
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don’t have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don’t stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You’re laughing, aren’t you?!?!) I still am !!!
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don’t know…..it never happened)
( C’mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)
A Coincidence ?
This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fall on the same day.
As Air America Radio pointed out, “It is an ironic juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a groundhog.”
Brokeback Mountain Grocery List
- for - Ennis Del Mar & Jack Twist
Summer 1963
WEEK ONE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
WEEK TWO
Beans
Ham
Coffee
Whiskey
WEEK THREE
Beans al fresca
Thin-sliced Bacon
Hazelnut Coffee
Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin
K-Y gel
WEEK FOUR
Beans en salade
Pancetta
Coffee (espresso grind)
5-6 bottles best Chardonnay
2 tubes K-Y gel
WEEK FIVE
Fresh Fava beans
Jasmine rice
Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
Medallions of veal
Porcini mushrooms
1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve)
1 extra large bottle Astro-glide
WEEK SIX
Yukon Gold potatoes
Heavy whipping cream
Asparagus (very thin)
Organic Eggs
Spanish Lemons
Gruyere cheese (well aged)
Crushed Walnuts
Arugula
Clarified Butter
Extra Virgin Olive oil
Pure Balsamic vinegar
6 yards white silk organdy
6 yards pale ivory taffeta
3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve
Large tin Crisco
The Ant & The Grasshopper Fable
CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE END
THE BRITISH VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he´s a fool, laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a table laden with food. The British are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The Liberal Party, the Respect Party, the Transvestites With Starving Babies Party, the Single Lesbian One Eyed Mothers Party and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant’s house. The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian cultural festival special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts them singing “We Shall Overcome.”
Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama that the ant has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share”. In response, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant’s taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Camden Council. The ant moves to France, and starts a successful AgriBiz company [funded by the EU] (although within weeks, his business is threatened with compulsory purchase by the state unless he marries a French ant).
The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant’s food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he hasn’t bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000.
The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Guardian blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain’s multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana growing operations and terrorize the community.
Men vs. Women
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his
wife Grace listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other.” He addressed the man,
“Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?”Tom leaned over, touched his
wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it? The rest of the
story gets rather ugly, so I’ll stop right here.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the
husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied,
“in-laws.”
AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC
Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn’t Bloody Moving
Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia (SatireWire.com) — After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.
“Good Lord, that was a booze up,” said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.
According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent’s nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day and the nation’s general lack of respect from abroad.
“It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they’re Aussies so no one knows about ‘em,” recalled witness Kevin Porter. “Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia’s main problem is that it’s stuck in Australia, and everybody says ‘Too right!’”
“Well, it made sense at the time,” Porter added.
By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.
When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that’s the way it’s going to stay.
“We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It’s all ‘America did this,’ and ‘Europe says that,’” exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. “Well, we’re right in the thick of things now, so let’s just see if you can you ignore us.”
Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. “They broke Florida,” said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. “And most of Latin America is missing.”
Meanwhile, victims of what’s already been dubbed the “Australian Crawl” are still shaking off the event.
“Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time,” said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. “They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. ‘Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?’”
Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia’s withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.
U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request “absurd.”
“Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one,” Cayetano added.
Panama, however, was not so lucky.
“Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through,” said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. “We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through.”
When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia “accidentally” backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it.
By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. “We’ve still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland,” said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. “I think we might have declared war on it. I don’t bloody remember. Maybe it’s time to go home.”
Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.
http://www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/australia.shtml
Some People Never Retire
One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home.
On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old
ladies laying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to
the manager.
“Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?”
“Yes,” he said. “They are retired prostitutes, and they’re having a yard
sale”.
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, “You must be single.”
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: “Well, you know what,
you’re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”
